The organization of any complex arrangement hinges on the interplay of seemingly haphazard individual events.

Sunday, December 28, 2003

...if I could only stop my mind from wondering what I left behind and wondering if its all been waisted time.

Friday night I drove to my grandparents for the weekend. It's been almost 10 years since i've seen them. He's still as fiesty at 80 as he was at 70. I have the feeling I won't see my grandmother again. She's not doing well lately. I was sick the entire trip and I spent a majority of my time on the farm asleep. Which was fine because it was boring there. I love them but they are too old fashioned for me. My grandmother is in her last year (I think) and my grand father still makes her go get him his tea. There was someone I had wanted them to meet. Too bad things didn't work out. I couldn't help thinking about it. Which leads me to my next topic.

Everyone in my parents' town and my dad's side of the family who are my age are married. There is an unspoken pressure to get married here. It's just another way to be odd man out. I just keep telling myself that things will be different when I get a place in Dallas. Dallas itself is alot like Vegas. They have RHPS and strip clubs and everything I miss about Vegas (except the people).

I've spent alot of time looking at myself objectively. It's harder to do than you think. I had plenty of time to do it while visiting in Assfuck, Texas. I've learned something about myself that I will work on changing.

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