I've decided there are two things that matter: friends and family. All else is trivial. I've also learned how to say "no" to certain people and things. I've turned down sex. Can you believe that? I felt empowered by it.
I went out with a friends girl friend to lunch. It was innocent and friendly. Really it was. I was bored and she was too. But other people thought it was more so I feel guilty. Why do I feel guilty when my intentions were honest? I think I know why. I did it because I thought that no one pays enough attention to her and that she's not appreciated. Those aren't bad reasons. But yet I still feel like an ass. Neither of us made any attempt at hiding it. In fact we told stories about it. But still, I feel off. Maybe I subconsciously want to make her happy. It would fit my M.O.. It always starts out innocent and friendly but then I get hooked on a smile. I'll crush and then I'll burn wondering if it's mutual. Then I'll get the courage to say something. Then rejection. Then a friendship with hidden feelings. I've had that happen three times in 2003 alone. I shouldn't type when I'm tired.
Believe it or not, I'm romantic (in the literal sense). But I don't share it with people because I think they'll think I'm full of shit (guys) or that I'm trying to get in their pants (girls). Tonight I looked up at the stars and thought about who else might be watching them. What might the starts look like in a million years? Is someone I love looking up at those same starts too? Humans are such small things in the universe. Why is it we feel "I" is most important? There are much greater things out there then us. They probably watch us like we watch, with gruesome glee, different colonies of ants fight.
I think too much. Now get out of my head...
No comments:
Post a Comment